she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
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I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
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im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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