how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.