life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
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I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
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Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.