chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep