This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
