I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
