So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
