Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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