I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
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I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
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Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?