doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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