but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
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We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
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I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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