I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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