You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
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I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
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Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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