Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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