I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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