my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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