"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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