threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
