if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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