His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
