We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
