I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
