Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Ladies don't puke and tell
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
