We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point đź’ś
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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