WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He has the fingertips of a God
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