where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
