I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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