I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
