you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
