Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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