I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
