yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I believe in your delicious
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
