Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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