I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
