hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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