Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
