as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
