I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
