god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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