I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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