When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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