He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
