literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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