im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
