Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
