I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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