Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
