On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
