I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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