i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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