I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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