I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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