Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
