Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
