i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
