you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
